Argh. is excatly how I feel. I'm so angry and so sick of it all. I feel sick because i'm so upset. this isn't healthy. i'm so moody and crabby. and pmsing. i hate it. i hate feeling this way....worst part i have to work today and tomorrow.
First.
My liquid fast went perfect on thursday until my friend convinced me to eat ice cream.
yesterday i worked...and binged basicly which means i ate normally....
and i worked yesterday 6 hours and it was hell. i hate working. i love my job some days no wi'm to the point where i hate it!
Today.
my dogs cause trouble....chase deer and we got in trouble. FUCK!
my hair just was recently dyed and my hair is completely disgusting...it gets greasey and oily too fast...and I don't want to get washing it or my color will go away. but i've reached the point where I say FUCK IT! i'm washing my hair everyday...now....its my money and i just pissed it away.
i realized i'm starting to work almost 35 hours again a week. and i can't do that again but i have to all summer or i'll never be able to afford driving to school in the fall. i'm so fuckin pissed. i hate my job and my life.
i feel completely disgusting today. i don't want to fuckin work
and i still haven't requested my sister's graudation party day off!!
and i'm scheduled on the 18 to work the service desk and i'm pissed as fuck!! cause i don't know service desk...plus i'm closing that night...i don't know how to fuckin close at service desk if i don't even know how to do half the things over there. i'm so fuckin pissed. i want to quit my job so fuckin bad! but i can't...i need it so bad.
i'm so fuckin blargh. i just want to feel better....shower time i think....
ohh yeah and the weekend i work the mos ti have finals that week....muthafuckers
i just want to die or give up or something......my life could be worse thou

Food today:
Banana
Speical K-110 calories
Orange Juice 3475073573587

i'm gonna be fat forever....

In light of recent events.
i've realized that I'm bitterly happy. yes with regrets but with no pain there is no gain.
I have feelign things are different and that's just fine with me.
its a pity it took me this long for me to realise i'm okay with me and my thoughts.
these thoughts that come rushing at me at hundred miles an hour.
i think what I think is something you'd only find in a fictional novel.
its a bitter sweet happy depressed life with thoughts of love and suicide fakes.
I think I long for too much attention and recieve far too less but enough to keep me
coming back for more.
I love how I feel these last few days with drama of my own. real life actual things to care about.
it feels really great to feel noty so numb anymore.
for once today and yesterday it was real. I was giving back this stupid world.
winter break was over and I was smiling again. I was stressed and worried.
pushing my buttons and giving up. I liked it and I hated it all.
I hate having these oh so true burdens baring down on me. I'm just infact a child
am I now?
its the innermost rambling of a teenage girl with too much pressure. that she has only built for herself.
i think its alright to say that I've done this to myself because no one else would have done it for me.
i'm loving every minute of just trying to live in thsi moment. i really don't care
what my future is right now. i've wasted too much caring.
caring abotu thigns that will work out themselves of course with a little push from myself.
i need to do this. i need to move on let go and grow up.
these thigns from my past keep creeping back in and its ruining every piece of me.
i'm beign controled and let down. i'm getting hurt even just for being happy.
why can't people just be happy to see me happy?
i loev to see others happy but my own cost of happiness is my own guilt and pain.
its sick. i can't belieev i still let every piece of my past control every piece of the right now.
its a disease i think.
everyone keeps telling me what to do and whats good for me or you'll never know what happens
unless you go for it. i hate hearing this, i hate beign told what to do but right now I just want to be
told what the heck to do!
I want to move on let thsi go. get over it. be me again.
be full of life. let everything slid. just let it go.
my thoughts. my thoughts. mythoughts
they haunt me. they are everything I am and I could write a novel just on my thoughts.
i have to let this go.
time to mover on and be a better person and let of everything and everyone from my past.
i'll be heathlier and i won't be sick anymore.