Pretty Odd

Graffiti

Fri, 16 May 2008 15:43:21 GMT

Graffiti Research Lab

Last night was hell....and i feel creative,
i called into work...i'm a terrible ass person....damn it i hate myself....
This Was Stupid

i'm working on a new tag since i hate Ethos and all. its so friggin stupid now. i have the perfect place to tag now but i just need to toy around more and practice my ass off before i take it to cement.

My Last Day with Them

Fri, 16 May 2008 02:52:31 GMT

i guess i'm kinda stuck
kinda screwed myself over with this one
between the hellos and goodbyes
it never felt real
you know it was hard for me
you know i'm bad at goodbyes

i really don't wanna be alone right now

i'll see you again
but time takes its sweet time bring pain and misery
i'm too young to feel this way

today i breathed air too dirty to retain
i said and felt what i can't explain
my bestfriend was there once again
my favorites and my bests

i asked the serious questions
and pushed one too many buttons
i scaled mountains
with a broken heart and tear filled eyes
i ran to be saved
just to bleed my feelings

i held tears back tight
this night never ends
this day was too long too be sweet
i can't believe you left me
i can't believe they are really gone
i don't ever wanna move on

i don't wanna be alone
why aren't you sitll here to comfort me
i need them and i need you
my bestfriends can't grow up
i can't grow up
life can't go on if i don't want it too
why can't it just stop for me

i'd rather be happy
in those memories
than here and miserable
barely breathing

i love them
i love him
i love her
i love you
to the ends of the earth

in love.

Thu, 15 May 2008 03:46:32 GMT

my first year of college is offically complete.i'm pretty sure i rocked it.i'm really excited to face my summer.nothing stays empty forever.
this was one of the greatest years of my life.

i grew up a lot
and i met so many amazing people.i'm in love with them all forever.

its hard to let go
but its time to face something new
let go of the old
growing up isn't so bad
its an adventure that never ends

i'm gonna miss you Seniors. i love you the deaths.i'm gonna miss my first adventure
i'm gonna miss the memories
the lobby, the computer lab, the drive
the new and old friends
the strangers and the teachers

=] no pain lasts forever

Side Note:" i dunno wut to see.....if dat lil piece of graff or dat lovely and cute face at da side
haha really....u are very beautiful ....

and nice ID it lookz cool!
its cool dat u like graff zo much and u are like a rockergirl "

that totally just made my day!!!
all that much better!!!

what a friggin sweetheart.

Hopeful Voice

Mon, 12 May 2008 17:27:54 GMT

i'm fighting so hard.
i hate spending my day alone, it makes me feel even more miserable.

my mother keeps telling me its okay to eat than tells me i'm fat.
even though all along she's wanted me not to be "sick"
i hate my mother for this mess she's made in our family and in my life.

i puked for the first time in a long time
i ate less than a cup of noodles and my mind went crazy
the idea of it sitting there in my stomach
i felt disgusted. i hate myself i wanted to die...take it back
get rid of it....i felt like a complete failure....
and so i let it fly...i puked.

i'm acutally feeling hungry right now.
my head hurts and i'm tired. i need to make it thru the rest of the day
i think i can do this. i need to study again for my test and i need to finish my portfolio today
i need to clean teh litter box and nap

i don't want to go say goodbye to him
never and not now. i'm too weak to face him and all i ever wanted to do was hold on to him
he made things hard this year but he made them fun. i want it back
i wish i would have stayed in thou moments just a bit longer to feel it just once more
i wish i could back and feel excatly how i fetl when my head was in his lap
when he smiled at me and we sat in silence
the way the window reflected passer bys....they way my watched his fingers curl
i want to hear him say my name and i want hear him laugh one more time
i want the chance to kiss him on the lips and meant it
to hear him speak about all the things he believes i want him to see me...
i want him to want me for me....i don't want to have to forget him
no goodbyes if i just run now....i need him Hopeful

Your Alter Ego

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:34:37 GMT

you and your alter ego
can hold my hand any day

the part where the lie begins between the truth and taking it back. is where my heart lies. i swore i'd never find myself back here.
i slept on the wrong side of a shoulder with face i didn't recognize. i'm not gonna tell you i didn't love you through it all.
obivously, i made a mistake.
like needles on your skin when the rain on the window sounds like foot steps what does this mean? am i just simply existing? the point i've reached feels empty and nothing i've done has worth. i've lost the last thing i counted on. still i'm not sad, i'm not bitter
i'm still young and out of line. i'm not allowed to question things, and you will never take me seriously because of my youth.

Mia could have the best of me. she can stop my breathing. she choke my lungs with cigarette burned smoke and i'd just scream for more. i'm not sick just dependent on her. everytime i feel weak. everytime i start to lose control of my feet. Mia takes me.

i failed miserably again today thou i'm gettign better and better with each day, i just have to learn to have more control again. i'm feeling rather sick right now.
i'm freaking out about finasl now. i haven't even bothered to study at all. i'm not in a godo palce. i have to remember to get up early for school in in the morning to get unfinished homework done. i'm not excited. gawd i'm so worried about my final, i need to study for this i need too! i have to because if I don't get at least a b i'll end up with a C in her class....so i need to do this. i need to get to work and study!!!
fuck! i'm freakin out...i can't wait btu I can wait...cause once schools gone
he's gone...forever...
he already is....

Mia's Bitch.

Sun, 11 May 2008 23:22:42 GMT

this community won't let me post in it.
which is retarded because i've been a part of it for over an year adn i just rejoined to see if it would work.

i have this friend.
she loves to say that's she's Mia...and blah blah
she takes pride in being sick.

she makes me feel like shit when i eat one chip and she doesn't have any.
she knows i'm dying and i'm going crazy yet she shoves it in my face, that's she's better than me
because she puked her food or hasn't eaten.

she didn't know what Ana and Mia meant until she met me.
now all she ever does is look for an eatign disorder
and i'd give anything to be happy for one day....anything.

now i'm too the point where all i want to do is fight for it
i don't want to share ana or mia....they are mine
and they are all i live for....she doesn't udnerstand that
and she can't stand in my way forever

Rather Pissed.

Sat, 10 May 2008 17:10:38 GMT

Argh. is excatly how I feel. I'm so angry and so sick of it all. I feel sick because i'm so upset. this isn't healthy. i'm so moody and crabby. and pmsing. i hate it. i hate feeling this way....worst part i have to work today and tomorrow.
First.
My liquid fast went perfect on thursday until my friend convinced me to eat ice cream.
yesterday i worked...and binged basicly which means i ate normally....
and i worked yesterday 6 hours and it was hell. i hate working. i love my job some days no wi'm to the point where i hate it!
Today.
my dogs cause trouble....chase deer and we got in trouble. FUCK!
my hair just was recently dyed and my hair is completely disgusting...it gets greasey and oily too fast...and I don't want to get washing it or my color will go away. but i've reached the point where I say FUCK IT! i'm washing my hair everyday...now....its my money and i just pissed it away.
i realized i'm starting to work almost 35 hours again a week. and i can't do that again but i have to all summer or i'll never be able to afford driving to school in the fall. i'm so fuckin pissed. i hate my job and my life.
i feel completely disgusting today. i don't want to fuckin work
and i still haven't requested my sister's graudation party day off!!
and i'm scheduled on the 18 to work the service desk and i'm pissed as fuck!! cause i don't know service desk...plus i'm closing that night...i don't know how to fuckin close at service desk if i don't even know how to do half the things over there. i'm so fuckin pissed. i want to quit my job so fuckin bad! but i can't...i need it so bad.
i'm so fuckin blargh. i just want to feel better....shower time i think....
ohh yeah and the weekend i work the mos ti have finals that week....muthafuckers
i just want to die or give up or something......my life could be worse thou

Food today:
Banana
Speical K-110 calories
Orange Juice 3475073573587

i'm gonna be fat forever....

Magic

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:25:10 GMT

Its 11:05 am
so far today.
i drank Vanilla Coke Zero
Asked a Magic 8 Ball several important qquestions
-got the answers i wanted.
my friend almost drove us in the ditch.

Today seems like it gonna be just one of those very long, lazy boring days but it better not be because i still have so much left to do. i got my homework done wel almost done already today in my math class. i have to do my portfolio and what not.
i'm not doin gmuch now anymore
just sitting and talking to my friend on the computer about myspace.
we are like laughing our asses off in a room full of people. lol we are great. i love it.

i'm liquid fasting today so wish me luck
to help me get over the growling part of hungry
i also weighed myself today and i was down to 151
4 pounds....

Facebook

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:40:21 GMT

Hey ya.
so i've had people ask me all the time if I have a facebook. I'm like I don't but I have a myspace. they get upset and are like myspace is lame. and bug me over and over again to get a facebook. I'm like what's so great about Facebook, but apparently its better than myspace...so i'm willing to give it a go. lets see what happens than. so i know have a facebook. argh. more work that means
-Livejournal
-Myspace
-Deviantart
-Facebook
wtf?!

Yesterday wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. i really am just freakin out. I finally handed in my research paper and i'm damn sure i'll cry when i get it back because it will be that bad.
i'm pissed that gas is now $3.56 wtf?!
i'm too poor seeing as i only work 4 hours every 10 days or so...and they basicly pay me to drive to work...fuckers.
i have to study for my astronomy final for the next 7 days. tomorrow i'm working on my career portifolio and going to go see Mr.Rossow play at Freddie's. pretty Xfriggincited.

today I ate.
220 calories in a Blue Amp energy drink
1 banana-average 184
3 gernola bars 330
734 calories....that's disgusting....and its almost 9.
well...i was gonna go running but it looks like its too dark...damn it.

4 months later

Mon, 05 May 2008 16:13:04 GMT

Hey,
I understand its been awhile again. I'm really sorry about this journal. My first year of college is almost done. 2 weeks and I'm done.
February was pretty easy. Michael and I never talked. I avoided him like crazy. and my heart broke everytime I saw him. I knew how i felt about him and all I wanted was to get over him. I met a lto of really great new people this semster of college and have some really great friends now.
March was March. it was cold and it was plain. school was rough and I was lazy as fuck. and i worked all the damn time.
April was just as great. I took a risk and I spoke with Michael. things are okay but never will be the same. i'm over it and i'm over what happened between him and I but he'll always be my favorite mistake. he's beautiful.
I finally started painting again and I gave up on graphic design. I take photographs again as well. I'm working so hard to get better grades this semster too. I'm so tired and worn out.
i realized next year is gonna be really hard for me, seeing as a lot of my friends are leaving me for another college. this summer scares me too. i'm gonna be alone again. i love being so busy but loneilness scares me to death. yeah i'm gonan work like crazy but still i'm gonna miss school, cause it gives me a purpose beyond what people think it does.

i still have to finish this paper i've been working on for 3 weeks for my night class. i'm scared cause i hate it so much but i'm trying hard but i'm so lazy at this point. i just want to be done. tomorrow is my last offical day of class on tuesdays...its bittersweet because i'm leaving someone behind.

i started restricting again. i'm taking it easy at first....cause i'm almost done with school so i need to be careful around finals.

well....i'm off to be bored on my day off...full of homework

Happy 1 Year Anniversary!

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:18:18 GMT

I've had this lovely journal for a year now.
I think this picture explains excatly what this little blog and the community has done for me. this thing has been my support through everything. Even if it was small I still know I can depend on my little blog to let me let it all out. tehe. i know that may sound really werid but its so simple. its just my place. a place no one else really knows about. i love this place. its a comfort place where I can be completely brutally honest and I don't get in trouble for it.
A a lot has happened in the last year and this journal is ready to see me through the next year. I know i haven't been around much these last few days.
school, life, work and so much had stolen my time and energy. i really don't liek thsi whole growing up thing. its a rough rollercoaster at least i know i'm still sane for now. i work again tomorrow and i have another class tonight. blargh.
its getting old rather quickly ya know? at least i have firday off. that's really exciting for me and i'm not working on monday either. at least i can take time to breathe i hope.
i have so much more I could complain about but right now this is just a happen moment and a great day to say I love it!
I love you journal. =] tehe
thanks for the all the great things you have done for me!

this makes no sense

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:42:25 GMT

I'm really thinking that I'm really jsut thinking too much. I really think he's moved on and i'm still sitting here stuff insid emyself.
i need to get away. at least i gave up drugs. but i want it back. he's ruined this because i let him.
gawd i miss him so bad.
I'm at school. I'm sitting here surronded by people that I dcn't even know its hard to get by. i hate it
i want him backa round. i want to be able to talk to him again i really want this wanting to go away.
i guess i'm kinda just running out of time here.
i hate corey mroe and more each day. i don't have the guts to tell him or get rid of him
and i know someday i will until then i'm playing him like a fool.
i'm a terrible person
i'm proud of myself i acutally got homework done when it was assigned.
i have a much of math homework i don't even know how to due and its all due tomorrow.
i'm freakin out so i'm gonna have to get up early to there and get some help if she'll acutal help.
blargh. i hate my math teacher she's so stupid.
i wish that i was the biggest problem in my life right now buts it not.
blargh.
i have 20 mintues until my night class and i'm still sitting here. i'm wasting away.
grr i work for the next like 5 days its sucks. i hate this.
i'm grown up too fast now.
i'm overreacting. i'm running away sooner or later.
thsi post makes no sense at all.
i'm in love with a guyt that doesn't love me back and doesn't even care that i'm still breathing.
i'm doomed to a broken heart.

I'm Mentally ill. Omg!

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:20:58 GMT

"i'm a wreck.
torn between getting help, living this way for ever or just dying.
i know i'll make a desicion. that's not bothering.
its the the time in between then and right now.
i'm being harmful. i'm falling apart.
time takes to long and its scarey me.
i'm weak. eating and feeling low.
i'm scaring myself.
worst part one guy is really taking his toll on me
at the worst of times.

its all falling out of place.
its a pity i can't stand to see tomorrow.
cause i know i'm better then this. "

I guess I could say today was a terrible day. it was hell. complete hell.
I woke up thsi morning alone and spent teh entrie day all alone. i could have hung out with my friend nick
but that wouldn;t have worked out. I'm a fialure at everything. i ate. i'm trash. disgustign waste of space.
i finally decided to get rid of corey. i ingored his text, he called. he page creeped. i finally broke down and texted back
bad ass idea. i'm a idiot. i need to get him the fuck out of my life. i creeped on his damn page.
megan stupid slut. fuck i hate her. she's trash. corey is is even worse. i ahte him. i can't stand him
i don't love him. i hate him. fuck! just ge tout of my life you are ruining everything.
i'ms traving again this week. i work thou a lot. i'm kinda not excited at all. FUCK!
i hate my life. i hope i die.

so my phantom menace

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:05:10 GMT

i'm so sorry I haven't been around. i've been so busy with school, work and just friend I suppose.
I love livejournal but not as much as I dig myspace. its a weird love triangle I swear.
so here's the update. i have a buttload of homework. and I'm freezing its like 20 below everyday here now. its gets worse then better
its sick. Minnesota is hell all frozen and stuff.
i was back to 149 but i bigne don pizza and rice krispies so I'm nto srue where I fall now. but I'll get down to 139 soon I hope.
my month is running out. I'm so worried about time, sleep, school and work, homework and everything.
so i ahve interesting news. i went to coreys firday night. i slept there. fooled around with him. weird right?
well it was so ahrd to eb there. its was weird. knwoing what happened with megan and everything blargh.
it sucks how different we both are now. its so hard, he's so far away from me yet i still care about him too much.
it was a good night with a good talk and good feelings. but it was rough. i wanted to be all he ever wanted.
too many thoughts ate me alive yesterday and today. it made me bitter gawd i think i hate corey more then i love him.
i really need to lose this weight. cause megan is so skinny and pretty and perfect. i wish he loved me.
i had a kidn abad day at work a guy wouldn;t go thru my line cause i had peircing oh fuck you.
i have a good friend who becoem a really big part of my lfie int eh alst few days mostly.
he makes me feel good i hope it lasts. i'll be back tomorrow
i ahve all day off just to do homeowrk crazy!
love ya btich

drug addicted thoughts

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 19:07:28 GMT

In light of recent events.
i've realized that I'm bitterly happy. yes with regrets but with no pain there is no gain.
I have feelign things are different and that's just fine with me.
its a pity it took me this long for me to realise i'm okay with me and my thoughts.
these thoughts that come rushing at me at hundred miles an hour.
i think what I think is something you'd only find in a fictional novel.
its a bitter sweet happy depressed life with thoughts of love and suicide fakes.
I think I long for too much attention and recieve far too less but enough to keep me
coming back for more.
I love how I feel these last few days with drama of my own. real life actual things to care about.
it feels really great to feel noty so numb anymore.
for once today and yesterday it was real. I was giving back this stupid world.
winter break was over and I was smiling again. I was stressed and worried.
pushing my buttons and giving up. I liked it and I hated it all.
I hate having these oh so true burdens baring down on me. I'm just infact a child
am I now?
its the innermost rambling of a teenage girl with too much pressure. that she has only built for herself.
i think its alright to say that I've done this to myself because no one else would have done it for me.
i'm loving every minute of just trying to live in thsi moment. i really don't care
what my future is right now. i've wasted too much caring.
caring abotu thigns that will work out themselves of course with a little push from myself.
i need to do this. i need to move on let go and grow up.
these thigns from my past keep creeping back in and its ruining every piece of me.
i'm beign controled and let down. i'm getting hurt even just for being happy.
why can't people just be happy to see me happy?
i loev to see others happy but my own cost of happiness is my own guilt and pain.
its sick. i can't belieev i still let every piece of my past control every piece of the right now.
its a disease i think.
everyone keeps telling me what to do and whats good for me or you'll never know what happens
unless you go for it. i hate hearing this, i hate beign told what to do but right now I just want to be
told what the heck to do!
I want to move on let thsi go. get over it. be me again.
be full of life. let everything slid. just let it go.
my thoughts. my thoughts. mythoughts
they haunt me. they are everything I am and I could write a novel just on my thoughts.
i have to let this go.
time to mover on and be a better person and let of everything and everyone from my past.
i'll be heathlier and i won't be sick anymore.

Let Go Baby.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 02:33:00 GMT

I'm seriously just AHHH!!
i had a pretty great day. my class today was great. its so sad thou. things are all different. i miss my old friends. i miss jamie. its hard to write.
i hate change. i really hate goodbyes. i hate change i can't handle it. it hurts so bad.
my class went great. i really enjoyed it. Andrew and i spent like the whole day together but here's a fix on what happened.
I was thinking oh I haven't seen michael at all today. yay. i'm doing really great. then bam! i look up I seen green etnies teh people moved and there he was laughing and smiling staring back at him. i stood there in panic for like 2 seconds, turned and ran the other way. I freaked out. I just wanted to die. i was so embrassed and it hurt like hell to see him. I need a friend. I ran to emerald to ask where andrew was. then i ran into my friend gabby and I pouted. I was so overwhelmed. then andrew came around and he was there to make me laugh and it really helped me out. so andrew and I played around for a few hours. then bam. there we were just laughing and talking and ther ein teh hallway was michael. he looked at me and smiled came closer slowly siad whats up adn i said hi...ingored him adn eh started talking to anotehr girl. and later left with her....what the hell?! what was he thinking? what was I thinking? it was stupid of me to ingore him...i wanted everything to be next to him. but god damn it. what was he thinking? was i suppose to pretend nothing happened? omg!

blargh.
i'm not sure ir eally have the energy to write anymore. i went to bed rather late. and i'm still sick.
so i need to sleep i have like a 14 hour day ahead of me tomorrow. blargh.
love you.

Back For Now.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 01:24:57 GMT

Hey. i'm back from long weekend.
i'm sorry i wasn't around to pst. i'm sick, pmsing/bleeding out, stressed and not to mention binging like an obessed fat obese motherfucker.
i worked this weekend and spent time with corey.
i bailed on going to a hockey game.
i was stupid with corey but thiings seem different blargh.
i don't want a relationship now. i want my doors open but my heart on lockdown.
my friend josh told em last night that he kinda liked me. i told him i kinda liked him but i didn't really know him.
Jon has been overly sweetheart too me the last few weeks.
thigns are werid. and i still miss and long for michael day after day.
and part of me is keeping my fingers crossed to see if i see michael tomorrow but eh rest of me is sayign fuck no.
i'm nervous as hell for tomorrow and my new classes and so NOT looking forward to my 8 hours of classes on wensday.
i'm blarhg. everything is falling down hard on my right now but teh funny thing is i've been happy.
even for having my period i've been good. crabby and cranky and alittle awkward but happy

i'm just completely digusting. i'm not longer 149 thou i stayed there for 2 days.
its gone. i'm fialure sometimes. i'm sick of this waste.
i'm so nervous for tomorrow. for all these classes and all the hours i work next week.
i'm freakin out. i can't handle all this pressure and the weight issues, teh love and the hurt and the loneliness again.
i need to get out ebfore i'm even in. i'm so over whelmed. its sad.
i'm stuck for good thsi time around.
i'm breathing my music and my art a lot lately. its getting hard to think. i'm losign control.
i'm sick and it take sit toll on me. i'm happy to be okay but okay isn't enough.
i wrote an amazing song abotu michael and i'll probably post it.
but from now on...i'm trying to change this michael thing.l its over its gone.
he neevr answered my text messages. he's gone. he's nothing to me

Its Okay to be Broken.

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:10:13 GMT

I've realized to I really truely let msyelf be broken before it even happened.
i cried. i retained from eating and when i did eat. i kept it in.
i let myself feel these thigns that make me feel broken.
i miss michael. the memories are sitting in my room and eating up the space.
i realized how much i need megan. i miss the smiple laughter.
i miss her. i just hope she's happy.
i think i go tmy closure and it hurts even more.
i texted michael and there was no reply. its almost a month since we last spoke.
its time to be broken about this and let it go.
Corey and I hit another brick wall last night in our friendship.
i want to put myself on lockdown.
i'm gonna let myself be bitter and sad, heartbroken and weak.
but i'm not gonna go looking for love or force it.
i'm better off just tryign to figure myself out.
i need to be empty before i can feel full again.
i'm a broken person.
stuck between happiness and worthlessness.
i've loved and lost.
i got my heartbroken.
i'm okay. i'm gonna be okay.

i ate a veggie subway delite at like 10 am.
its was almsot 1000 calories i think all added up.
sick i know.
i drink 2 cups of green tea and went to work
bored 500+ calories i believe.
i sat and talked to my heart broken sister. i wish this woudl last thou.
i'm gonan miss her when she goes thru another epiosde.
i ate 3 slices of a pear and i'm drinkin diet coke.
when i woke up surprisingly enough i still weighed 150.
i hope tomorrow is the same or lower.
*crosses fingers*

goodbye beautiful words

Shattered Heart.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 00:11:43 GMT

I really wish I had reason to be happy. I want something to be excited for. I was exicted that I was doing so well with my eating.
then I got bored and i ate today and I purged. I feel like trash.
I hate this feeling of guilt, anexity of all my hard work gone to waste. all gone cause I wasn't strong enough not to eat. its a waste.
i hate thsi feeling. i feel worthless after I eat. I really hate this feeling. i never want to eat because it.
i was down to 150 when I woke up this morning and it was exciting.
it was a good feeling being down 7 pounds. I just want to be down to 130 by the end of the month.
so i get fit into the 2 pairs of size 11 jeans that use to fit at the begining of the fall.
its terrible to think i got that fat in that short of time I gained 10 pounds. in like 4 months.
and my period is coming so i'm wanting to eat everything.
i hate how my period makes me feel who doesn't.
i hate how much it makes me want to eat everything in sight or in my mind.

i'm so fucked up today. i took nighttime cold medicine and slept for 2 hours woke up and now i'm loopy.
i was already loopy from all teh coffee i drank and they just mixed. i'm los tin my thoughts its crazy.

Franka's thoughts when she's high:
"the things i'm feeling. i'm nto sad thou i know i should be.
its so simple. i love being "high" it feels better then being drunk.
beautiful thoughts run away when you are drunk and disgust fills you. i hate it.
i hate how empty and weak drinking makes me feel.
being drunk is the worst loss of control i have ever felt.
i hate that i lose sight of my feet and therefore the ground doesn't exist anymore to me.
and i can't lose the ground.
it makes me feel alive. lets me know i'm still here and breathing..
so here I sit....i'm still here breathing."

We Get On

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 23:50:32 GMT

Simply, knowing you exist aint good enough for me
But asking for your telephone number seems highly inappropriate

Seeing as I can't
You don't say hi
As you walk by

And that time you shook my hand it felt so nice
I swear I never felt this way about any other guy
And I don't usually notice people's eyes but..

I conducted a plan to bump into you most accidentally
But I was walking along and bumped into you
Much more heavily than I had originally planned
It was well embarrassing and I think you thought I was a bit of a twat

I just think that we'd get on
And I wish I could tell you face to face
Without singing this stupid song
But yeah I just think that we'd get on

So I went to that party
Everyone, they looked kind of arty
And I was wearing this dress
Cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure that I looked my best
Cause I was so nervous
But carried on regardless
Strutting through each room trying to find you

Then I saw you kissing that girl
My heart it shattered
And my eyes they watered
And when I tried to speak I stuttered
And my friends were like whatever
You'll get some one better
His eyes are way to close together
And we never even liked him from the start
And now he's with that tart
And I herd she done some really nasty stuff down in the park
With Michael
He said she's easy
And if your guys with the one that's sleazy
Then he aint worth your time
Cause you deserve a real nice guy

So I proceeded to get drunk
And to cry
Locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

Saturday night I watched channel 5
I particularly liked CSI
I don't ever dream about you and me
I don't ever make up stuff about you and me
That could be considered insanity
I don't ever drive by your house
To see if you're in
I don't even have an opinion
On that tramp that you're still seeing
I don't know your timetable
I don't know your face off by heart
But I must admit there's a part
That still thinks that
We might get on
We might get on

Divided.

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 02:47:58 GMT

Ello.
today is a much better day. i think i'm started to change. i'm showing change today anyway.
i ate around 500 sum calories and purged maybe half of those.
i have a cold from yesterdays photography project. balrgh it sucked
i had no meds so i had to face the day and work with hell. i swear it could have been worse. so i'm happy.
i think i might have burnt a good amount of calories at work. i'm so sore and tired and just plain sick.
i'm gonna go to bed soon.

it hit me today. i'm happy to be alone in the sense that i don't have aboyfriend.
its all bittersweet.
i love that i'm working on myself and i love that i can control myself.
i'm doing this for myself to get someone amazing hopefully.
death from stravation is like a dream to me.

i'm so out of it. i kinda love it not i know i love its like snorting coke. it makes me high.
i know i'm better then people who eat. they are all trash. disgustign waste of space. blargh.
i'm drinking caffine and i know i shouldn't. i have all day tomorrow to sleep too.

i still hate corey.

lots of love sunshine.

Only Butterflies.

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 02:24:59 GMT

Ello.
yesterday was a terrible day. it really was but to was a much better and i'm extremely happy it happened.
i needed a day that would give me a reason to keep going.
I binged and purged almsot all night last. my thoart is on fire. it hurt so bad and it really sucked.
today i only had about 510 calories in food more in lquid thou.
its not the best i could have done but its all i could ask for after yesterday.

I went to school. i got my schedule changed that college sad part I dropped a required class of 3 cerdits to a nonrequired for 2 credits.
i'm rather pissed. i keep thinking i have more time next year but i'm just worried that i screwed this up. gawd. i'm stupid.
if i don't graduate that's gonna be werid. i'm scared. maybe i can take a first hour at the highschool. i dunno.

After gettign my books and things I went over to my work. I got my forms. need to fill them out,
then I just walked around the store for over an hour. I didn't want to come home and feel sorry for myself.
so i just kept busy and walked around. at least I burnt calories too. =]

then I came home. the light outside was amazing. beautiful and it called my camera.
i hadn't used a basic camera in so long so here I went and went all digital.
here are my photos that are part of the Prom Queen Project.

I took this pictures myself.i'm the model blargh.
you can really see how fat my face has gotten.
i sitll think the 2 hours out in the cold is some what worth it. got some good shots.

i have a buttload more but these are the one i liked.

I do believe this photos show how i'm feeling these days.
i was a lont out there in a winter white land. i was alone
completely and utterly alone in this beauty
i should have been fine yet i felt miserable.
why couldn't i have just taken a moment to breathe in that cold air
and be happy to be alive.
this picture show my emotion...heart broken and alone.
lost.

i really can't anymore.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 00:22:49 GMT

"this is my life at your feet
i've reach my bitter end
looking for something to make me complete
i can't bare to face failure again..."

guess who walked himself right back into my life...corey.
i swear to God what have i done to make this happen to me. why?
i must be a really terrible person cause everything always comes back to me.
what did I do? where did I go wrong? i can't change it now but i need to know
what i did to deserve all of this and worst of all myself.
i wish i oculd just get away from me. for once in a lifetime just get away from this misery of myself.
i'm a pitful waste of space. unloved and unwanted.
i need corey but he's evrything that has ruined my for the last 3 years of my life. i need to get away.
i wish i could just get away. i've faced my problems and my mistakes too long. i've screwed up everything everything.
and when i try to change and make things better i ruin it all over again. i need to just kill myself. i really do.
its about that time i think.

i had so much i needed to say about my day but straving myself takes to long compared to just commiting sucide. i just want to die.

Crappy Start.

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 17:24:57 GMT

heya.
I'm rather annoied by myself. I ate cookies this morning all because I ate cookies, ice cream and subway last night. God that 7 pounds is now bad in my body.
at least at work I was walking around the whole store for an hour and a half. so that's a few caloires burnt before eating that. crap.
i planned on working out today but that doesn't look like its gonna happen.
I work 3 to 8. good way to ruin my start eveing. lol not like i'm gonna do antyhing anyway. the formal is going on at my high school tonight.
and I am not going.

I can't believe I ate. I'm disgusting waste. I'm taking up space, and wasting air I swear to God.

i plan on drinking green tea at least 4 glasses of it. and i have my diet coke for work tonight.
i have to beat coming home and eating thou. i've done it before i can do it again. damn i'm tired.
i'll just have to come running to livejournal and myspace for my support. so i'm sure i'll be back around tonight.

Update on my school crisis. I'm going in on monday to get all of this stuff down. if my schedule does get changed. i'll go over to work and change it then head home. I really hope it all works out. wish me luck. =] and the week i start school i don't work at all. so that's gonna be nice but i'm not sure what i'm going to do for about 5 days by myself. grr

i really all these calories i ate last night are buggin the hell out of me. It was so ahrd not to purge last night. I just should have cause everything was coming up itself already. it was werid and nto to mention gross.
i hate corey so much. i deleted his number from my phone texted him back and he never ever even replied. i hate him. he siad he wanted to be part of my life too bad. i hate him. he lied to me about a lot of things, he totally ruined this. gawd i hate him. grrr i just want it to go away and not be upset about it anymore. its going away already. i just need to keep busy and be social as robbie says and just stop tlaking to him. i hate him.

so yeah it was a crappy start to a new day. i can not eat no matter what i do i can;t eat the rest of the day. gawd thsi sucks. i hate being so alone all the time. blargh. grr i need someone.

Short-Lived

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:36:51 GMT

Ello.
i'm not sure whats wrong with me anymore. I binged last night, talked to corey again and just felt sorry for myself.
I hate this I'm so addicted to making everything seem way worse then it really is. I don't have it bad all. I just hate being alone. I ahte not having friends that care and want to see me or make an effort to see me it hurts. Grr today is just a day where I don't want to do anything.
I work a really crappy shift today and the rest of the weekend. its annoying. i hate working but i love my job for the most part.

I binged last night. Blargh and I purged.
still too fat. I weighed about 147-148 last night thou. so my totally pounds lost is about 7 pounds in 4 days.
its kinda exciting but hard to believe seeing as i did eat yesterday.
si i'm not eating today. i need a nap before work so i'l have some energy to stand for 5 hours.

I'm so stressed. School starts in about a week. I don't want my class on monday so I can have a class on tuesday.
so maybe i'll get a chance to see michael. i doubt it but I want it.
but I already changed my avaiblity once and I'm not sure I can do it again and I'm afarid to ask. stupid I know.
also I need to get to the school to change it. i called and they just told me to come in but what if i need an appointment.
and i work today gr. i know i can do it on monday but what about my avaibality. will i have to call in sick for work or what? i dunno.
grr its not that much of a change i'm just movin gmy monday to a tuesdaty. i'ms till avabible all the other days.
i'm freakin out. cause what if it does change. either way i'm not takin that class on monday grr.

i'm so blargh. stressed. i want to eat so bad!!!

i hate myself right now.
i deleted corey's number from my phone last night.
and he never texted me back.
i think its time to move on for real. work on me.

love you a bundle.
-Franka